Dear Howard,
I recently discovered that I had six months to live. At first certain things crossed my mind...rob a bank, try acid, run through my savings, get drunk every day for what was left of my life.
Then I thought I should do something, something big, something that would benefit all of human kind. I am not asking you what to do I already came up with that, it's just that my physical stamina will continue to wane, as it already has.
I have decided that I will do the best thing that I can for human kind by cutting off those hideous Samurai buns, that those pretentious hipster douches are sporting. Since I am on in years, and now terminally ill, what would be the best way to wrestle the little douchebags?
I fell I could actually weld a sword pretty well for the task, but feel it would be cumbersome to carry as I stalk the streets. So I have settled on scissors. Do you know of any good wrestling techniques? I have also considered the use of a small bat to get them to the ground as well. Thoughts?

Sharpening My Scissors

Super Pooper Dilemma

Dear Howard,

My husband is a super in a two building, six storey apartment complex, with eight units per floor. One of the tenets is a real pain in the doper, always complaining, and having some non-essential thing that needs to be fixed right when we're sitting down to dinner. My husband really dislikes him. So in a rather strange revenge plot that my husband has devised, he goes into this tenets apartment and has a rather large bowel movement in the toilet, and then does not flush. My husband has this hair brained idea that this will eventually drive the tenet insane, because in my husbands twisted logic the tenet will believe the bowel movement is his own, and that he forgot that he had one. Each day the tenet will come home from work, find this large turd in his toilet, and have no memory of having had forgotten to flush his dump, and will slowly be driven insane.

I explained to my husband that this is indeed madness, that the tenet will surely figure out that my husband has been entering his apartment while he was not at home, and filling his toilet with large feces. My husband claims he always checks for cameras, and his plan is full proof.

I told him the tenet could take the turd and have it tested for DNA. My husband thinks I am the one who is insane.

So this is what I proposed to my husband in how to deal with this pain in the ass tenet. Our daughter has a psychiatric diagnosis, and most days refuses to take her medication, so I told my husband drop a few of the pills in the tenets OJ container every couple of days, and whammy...within a few months the guy will be in the psyche ward lickety split!

My husband thinks this is a very bad idea, and insists that finding a strange turd daily in your toilet is a much quicker way for the guy to be certifiable.

So I ask you, Howard, which one of us has the better plan?

Anxious in Yonkers.