Dear Howard,
I recently discovered that I had six months to live. At first certain things crossed my mind...rob a bank, try acid, run through my savings, get drunk every day for what was left of my life.
Then I thought I should do something, something big, something that would benefit all of human kind. I am not asking you what to do I already came up with that, it's just that my physical stamina will continue to wane, as it already has.
I have decided that I will do the best thing that I can for human kind by cutting off those hideous Samurai buns, that those pretentious hipster douches are sporting. Since I am on in years, and now terminally ill, what would be the best way to wrestle the little douchebags?
I fell I could actually weld a sword pretty well for the task, but feel it would be cumbersome to carry as I stalk the streets. So I have settled on scissors. Do you know of any good wrestling techniques? I have also considered the use of a small bat to get them to the ground as well. Thoughts?

Sharpening My Scissors